I am a strong, competent, intelligent, well-educated woman with a good career and a powerful personality but I want to be in submissive relationships. Is this normal?
Yes, it is perfectly normal to be a strong woman who wants in submissive relationship. It is more unusual for a submissive woman not to be those things. It is often the strongest, most powerful women who in their intimate relationships most want to be with an even stronger, more powerful man.
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| 2. Reply from 'strong' woman|
My "partner" became my dominant husband because, despite our love, we were so frustrated with each other. I was a "strong, career-minded woman" who definitely would not consider her husband the "head of household" much less submit to him. My husband was -- i thought -- a '50's throwback, but i knew he admired my strength.
I finally got to the critical question when i was utterly confused about why he was so aggressive when we had a "joint" decision to make ...he told me he had to fight in his world all day and when he came home he felt he was forced to do the same. His perception of me (when i was in a persuasive mode and presenting my side of an issue forcefully) was that i was doing battle with him. Even thought our objectives were the same -- good for our family -- my approach was hurting our relationship. I changed. This is a painful and continuing process -- i have been socially programmed to rebel against submission.
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I must admit -- i equated strength with assertiveness. And i thought my husband wanted this as assertiveness. Now I no longer equate the two. I will, as it is suggested elsewhere, speak my truth quietly and clearly, and then listen for his feedback. And accept his direction. I will not pursue the topic as i had in the past -- generally speaking. I don't necessarily pursue resolution to every issue and work at debating the financial/political/social/moral...fine points before a decision is made.
I also must admit -- i chose this path thinking it would be the end of our marriage. I decided -- fine! I will be totally submissive and you'll see what a disaster that will be. I would turn into a simpering wimp and leave him out of disgust to regain my self-assertiveness. That is not how it turned out.
It is so interesting how my world has changed. My happiest times have been when i took a 2-month break from my business and was TOTALLY devoted to him. I suspect i will go back to that eventually. I hope soon. But i must say, living in the two worlds (career and HIS/my home) takes more strength-- Dealing with the dichotomy of this structure is so difficult for me. I am happy to find this website and hope to find like-minds here.
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Your article is proof that you cannot have two generals in one army
. Equality, IMO does not work in a marriage that is intended to last. I believe that G-d intended the man to be the head of the household, and for us, and many couples here and elsewhere, that truly seems to work.
We not long ago switched from an "equal" marriage, to a D/s marriage, but then we found that submissive dating is what we both were seeking all along. Isn't it amazing the serenity that seems to descend over not only your marriage but also in your inner self, once you stop fighting and accept what we knew in our hearts all along was what we wanted? For perhaps the first time in MANY years (we've been married almost 23 years), my husband said to me, "When we first met I was in love with you....but with all the power struggles it went to loving you still---but now again, I can say I am IN love with you, and its like we're dating again!"
I have always had dominant tendencies (partly due to elevated testosterone, but also from societal conditioning over the last 30 years)...but those are no good in a marriage. The male side of me wanted to be in charge--the female side of me wanted to submit. Why I kept fighting it, I don't know--I think maybe I felt that submission would be a sign of weakness, and I did not want to be seen as weak. How paradoxical that I feel MUCH stronger now that I have surrendered to my true nature!
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| 5. To thine own self be true|
Certainly you should be true to your own self, and if that means being submissive, then you should be. But it may be something quite different for other people. What is true for thine own self is not necessarily true for all other selves. Others may have different tastes.
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| 6. Being a sub makes me feel safe|
I am a strong woman who is capable of doing all sorts of things on my own, but for years I've wanted to be taken in hand. My husband is a U.S. Marine officer, and I know he regularly exercises his authority as part of his job. He's been reluctant to exert authority at home, but now that we've started a relationship, he's not afraid to put me over his knee when occasion calls for it, or just to tell me how things are going to be. It has been fabulous for us. I love to feel his authority--when I push, I want someone to push back. If I'm strong, I want him to be stronger--it's the respect factor. Knowing there is a limit makes me feel safe and loved. And my hubby benefits too--he gets a much more sane wife.
When my husband exercises his authority, I feel so much more attracted to him--I love that there are clear roles and that there is a difference between us. Being a sub is hot. Being taken in hand by a man in cammies and combat boots--now that's REALLY hot.
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Is it because of social conditioning for 30 years that I too, resist my partners authority? He asked me why and rather then offer a straight answer, I found myself confused and frustrated inside...because I don't know why I resist his authoritativeness.
It's like an itch I keep scratching but can't arrive at a satisfactory answer. How do I let go of what seems to be my need to resist? Is it because of social conditioning for 30 years that I too, resist my partners authority? He asked me why and rather then offer a straight answer, I found myself confused and frustrated inside...because I don't know why I resist his authoritativeness.
It's like an itch I keep scratching but can't arrive at a satisfactory answer. How do I let go of what seems to be my need to resist?
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